Attachment parenting was something that I was always drawn to when I became a Mother.

Not because it was a trendy buzz-word being thrown around at the turn of the millineum.

Not because it was the cool, new way to parent your kids.

Not because it was different than what I knew about parenting.

What drew me to attachment parenting wasn’t any of those things. It was simply the fact that I was able to be in tune with my baby’s needs from the very start of our relationship.

It was the very reason that it felt natural and untainted.

It was because I didn’t have to force a parenting style on myself or a schedule on my child, we could simply just “go with the flow” and be together in harmony.

We could simply learn about each other without the nagging fear of what I “should” be doing as a Mother.

Attachment parenting always felt right to me.

The one thing that I discovered while I was pregnant with my 1st child on the journey of becoming a Mother was that there are many parenting styles that are taught.

I learned about free-range parenting, permissive parenting, uninvolved parenting, authoritative parenting, and so on.

I believe that my attachment parenting has evolved into a more authoritative role once my kids no longer needed the strong attachment that attachment parenting offered. (I mean, I certainly don’t lug my kids around in a sling all day long and breastfeed on demand.)

Attachment parenting has been a beautiful flow in my parenting journey that has grown right along with my children.

So, what is attachment parenting?

Attachment parenting is a coined parenting style by Dr. William Sears that is caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents.

But, attachment parenting is nothing new.

This parenting “style” has been used by Mothers and Fathers for centuries in many cultures around the world. In fact, it’s said that babies in Africa don’t ever cry because they aren’t given the opportunity to.

Oh how this was so true for me.

Holding my baby all day long, putting him to the breast for comfort, and sleeping next to him at night. He was never without need, so he didn’t have the opportunity to be upset.

Attachment Parenting implies first opening your mind and heart to the individual needs of your baby, and eventually you will develop the wisdom on how to make on-the-spot decisions on what works best for both you and your baby. (direct from Ask Dr. Sears’s website).

This is a parenting style that comes naturally with your God-given motherly instincts. You don’t need to follow rules or read books. Simply just listen to yourself and your baby’s cues and you are already in the game.

As Dr. Sears explains, there are 7 main benefits of attachment parenting:

1. Mutual giving

Like any healthy relationship, mutual giving is a big part of attachment parenting. When you give your time and attention to your baby, you can expect to get a sense of connection and pride knowing that all it takes to soothe your child is just by simply being in your presence.

As a Mom of 4, I can certainly attest to this feeling. Yes, the days sometimes are long when you are giving so much to your baby. But, knowing that you are providing them with not only basic self needs, but also emotional needs to help them develop, it’s a very satisfying feeling.

2. Mutual Shaping

When you become a Mom, you will never be the same, especially when you practice attachment parenting.

This happens when you are in tune with your baby’s cues and communication so that you can provide his or her best needs. In turn, it shapes you into becoming a more intuitive parent.

3. Mutual Sensitivity

Ever seen the movie “E.T.”? This is how I would describe the connection between you and your baby when you practice attachment parenting – like the relationship between Elliot and E.T.

They can feel each others feelings and emotions. They are in sync with other another.

While it might not be to these extremes, I can personally attest to being one with my baby, especially in the beginning. When you spend so much time together, it’s only natural that you start to become more sensitive to each other’s emotions and needs.

4. Promotes Independence

Basically, the more attached your baby is to you, the more confidence and security that gets ingrained into their brain. So when they are old enough to explore their surroundings, they have the confidence to do so without becoming hyper-sensitive or distressed.

Because they know and are aware of their strong bond with their Mother, they can freely explore without the fear of being detached.

5. Promotes better behavior

Babies cry less when they aren’t given the opportunity.

When you are always in tune to your baby’s needs, they don’t get that opportunity to cry – because they will have everything that they need.

And let me tell ya something about babies: they are easily happy & entertained. The smallest things make them belly laugh and the most intense situations disturb their peace.

6. Improves development

Wearing your baby in the beginning has been referred to as the “4th trimester.”

During this important development stage, babies are in a quiet stage of alertness with the ability to discover their surroundings in a safe space.

Because they feel safe and secure cuddled up next to their #1 person (that would be Momma), they feel safer to explore the world around them. As they become older, this translates into more independence as stated above.

7. AP babies are smarter

Many studies now show that the most powerful enhancers of brain development are:

• the quality of the parent-infant attachment (such as skin-to-skin contact) and;
• the response of the care-giving environment to the infant’s cues (ahem, making attachment parenting a winner)

This article goes to point out that babies who cry less develop better. It also points out that excessive crying triggers hormones that kill neurons and ultimately “rewires” the brain so that the baby doesn’t develop in the positive ways that he/she should.

Knowing that my comforting arms gives my baby the best start in life is all that I needed to know to continue practicing this “parenting style” with my 3 subsequent boys.

So, back to the main point of this blog.

What does attachment parenting look like 12 years down the road?

Before getting to the main event, I want to point out that in the beginning, many people around me advised on how I should raise my baby.

I hadn’t even given birth yet and was getting parenting tips shoved down my throat.

While I know now that they truly meant well, at the time, it made me feel like I wouldn’t know how to be a good Mother because no one was giving me the chance to do it on my own.

So I stopped listing to unwanted parenting advice and followed my intuition instead.

I had a homebirth. I breastfed. I wore or held my baby all day long. I rocked him to sleep. I slept next to him at night. I never left him with another caregiver. I never offered a bottle. I always picked him up when he cried. I nursed him until he decided to be weaned.

I was attuned to his cues and I made it my mission in this season life to serve his every need – because I knew how important it was for his emotional and cognitive well-being.

After all, the baby phase is only a short season, and I was determined to do my best at it.

After he weaned, I still offered him the other attachment comforts.

He was a very active toddler and it would take him forever to settle down at night, but I would still lie next to him every bedtime to wait for him to fall asleep. I didn’t make him do it alone.

Sometimes it would take an hour or more, but I wanted him to feel comforted and safe with me or my husband at his side while he settled into dreamland.

Even when his younger brother came along, with the trying demands of a natural-born clinger, I continued this ritual with him.

It wasn’t easy, but nothing about parenting is.

At the time, we were broke to the bone and lived with husband’s family. You can read more of my story here if you’d like.

As grateful as we were to have a place to live, it wasn’t always easy because we (2 adults and 2 kids, 2 and under) were all crammed into a single bedroom together.

The walls were plastered with all of our belongings while we stuffed every single piece of furniture required to live and sleep comfortably.

It was a little suffocating at times, but looking back, I know it helped lay a strong foundation for my older kids of feeling safe and secure.

After we moved out, we continued to share a bedroom with a little more room to stretch out.

This didn’t bother me. In fact, I slept easier at night knowing that my babies were near. I knew that if anything happened during the night, I would get to them in an instant.

The cycle continued for a few months while we were on our own in another state temporarily.

We were a small and connected family that did everything together. It was during this time that the foundation was made that molded us into becoming a really tight-knit family.

I stayed home with my boys, while working on my dream business online. Everything in our life meshed perfectly because I was able to do my thing without sacrificing my time and those early attachment days by staying home.

This led to me homeschooling them 2 years later.

By making this lifestyle choice, I was able to stay close to my kids and continue nurturing the relationships that I was building with them.

Homeschooling led me to a deeper understanding of my children.

I not only learned their developmental & emotional needs, but also very quickly picked up on their learning styles and habits. This made our bond even stronger because I could be there to assist them through every challenge when they needed help.

Then another boy was born.

The cycle continued. That beautiful cycle of life and motherhood when everything changes and reforms in a new, but exciting way.

As they grew before my eyes, the eldest stepped into the role of becoming a responsible and helpful leader that a big brother aims to be.

It might not seem like much, but he was a huge help in those early baby days when my 3rd my born.

He fetched me water while I was sitting down nursing. He’d pick up all the toys off the floor so nobody would trip and get hurt. He’d help me do little things that were hard to do holding a sleeping baby in my arms.

He was stepping into a confident, independent young boy. This only continued to grow and flourish.

We moved again and shortly after, I got pregnant with my 4th baby.

That pregnancy hit me hard. I wasn’t a young spring chicken anymore and I FELT IT.

Nausea set in early (among some new symptoms I hadn’t experienced before) and I was glued to my bed for nearly 3 months.

It was so bad that I didn’t even have the energy to instruct the kids to clean up the playroom – so the floor was covered with play things for 3 months straight.

But, my eldest stepped up to the plate and helped bring order to the house.

He would cook me breakfast, do his chores, and keep peace in the home so that things didn’t get out of hand. While I was laying in bed counting the days until I was out of that dreadful 1st trimester, he stepped up to the plate and handled the day to day activities with fervor.

He’d come check in on me. Ask me how I was doing. Insist on bringing me things. Put it on himself to take care of things before I could even ask – almost as if he was attuned to my needs as I am as his Mother.

In those never-ending days, I couldn’t have been more grateful for his help and for our strong bond that made his help come effortlessly.

He didn’t moan and groan like many pre-teens do when asked for something. He served me with a smile on his face and a warm sympathetic look in his eyes.

He had become both attached AND independent.

Now I don’t want to give you some dreamlike illusion that he is the perfect kid. That would be a flat out lie. But, for how 12 year olds go, he is pretty well-behaved, well-adjusted, and does his best in everything that he does.

I realize that this also boils down to personality and parent-led discipline, but laying a strong foundation of attachment parenting early on made parenting easier now that he is older.

Our relationship is strong, with both myself and my husband.

In fact, our 12 year old shows great interest in us both and would rather hang out and chat with us than the neighborhood kids (most of the time).

We are both open with each other.

We talk while we fold laundry. He willingly tags along when I take the baby for a walk. We both own up to our faults and apologize to one another when we make mistakes.

I know that I will never have scientific proof as to what has molded this bond between us.

But, as a Mother with a strong intuition, I know in my soul that the early baby days of being attached has led us to a deeper understanding of one another. Thus, it has ultimately led to a deeper, much more intense love and respect for us both.

Attachment parenting hasn’t just benefited my kids, but our family as a whole.

My kids have a strong sense of who they are, what their beliefs are, and how they fit into our family.

They know this because we live this every single day.

It’s not something that we pretend at for the camera for a skin-deep social media facade. It’s something deeply rooted in our core that all started with a little bit of intuition, patience, and most important, LOVE.

At the end of it all, attachment parenting led me to a more intentional life with more meaning.

If you are currently in the trenches of early attachment parenting, just know this: this too shall pass and your hard work and devotion will bear fruit that will serve you and your child a lifetime.